it was never fine

written by Nicole Zizzi

​

1-1-8 

Systems challenging systems

giving in by stepping up

On top of stigmas

that come back to bite

Why I do this, I don’t know

It always ends the same

 

1-1-5

He is not here, he won’t come back

the rest left us estranged

once again we pick up the pieces 

From cracks that never healed

More procedures more tests

The number keeps on dripping

The number won’t stop dropping

 

1-1-3

spring break in sterile rooms

1 last event until they all went flat

Then we all being to dance

Circles with our hands

 

1-1-0

Acquaintance of grains and details

paneled walls of wood

The forced descent has begun

But always the winds are dancing.

The heart directs the movement 

movement guides the heart

Making music and keeping beat

Beating beating

Is it still beating?

 

1-1-0

Nothing to distract me

I dive headfirst

Through clouds and trees and winds

 

Water meshes with my skin

An embrace of the soul

I reconnect broken wires

I remember where they go

 

1-1-5

Some improve some decline

My heart beating way too fast

Looking for blood it will never find

 

1-2-1

Bored, restless, agitated,

dancing will always do.

Until one day the wind stopped…

 

The pain we thought was gone

comes creeping in again.

Returning to that incessant voice

the pains just in your head

 

1-2-5

Finally back, yet still remote

homework a welcome refuge.

Just as the light came pouring in, 

another recurring nightmare comes true.

 

We rush back, we clean up

Piles of unwelcome refuse. 

Piles of trash produced by traumas

My own traumas must be moved

 

But then there’s that socket

too small for its contents

over the edges, it spills.

 

Falling, falling forgetting how to fly.

at least there’s still an anchor.

My mind opens up to let a line out 

Recharging reviving revitalizing.

Learning from her fractal grace

With passionate tendrils, they dance

in the darkness of the moon

 

1-2-0

Losing fuel for backup engines

There is nothing I can do

Go left, go up

go right, go down

Go straight to sterile rooms.

I already know what they will say,

so the number drops by 5.

 

I can’t eat I can’t sleep.

I finally make landfall.

Is the pain in my head?

Is it my fault after all?

 

1-1-2

I'm not sure where i am,

Gravity out of phase.

I can’t eat, I can't sleep.

I can only imagine a grave,

where I place the contents of my grace.

I can’t feel anything at all

 

The number begins to scream.

You’re making this up,

She just wants attention.

We don't deserve anything at all.

 

All she wants to do is dance,

The winds are missing her call.

When the time stops, you look around

I find nothing at all

 

1-0-8

Trapped inside out and outside in.

Lines like lasers fire. 

Running down, exploding up.

This body is not mine

 

Out of phase. Out of focus.

Idly steeping in passion. 

I think we’re feeling dissonance.

Your body is not yours

 

laser precision does not extend

to the filters of your thoughts

Isn't there a reverse solution

to boiling up over inside?

Lasers fire like streams of water

Our body is not our own

 

They look, You sit, I wonder.

How do they focus all those lasers,

Without burning through their skin?

Their laser fire was not lost,

Their bodies are not their own.

 

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep

I unthink association 

 

1-0-5

Feel it growing 

inside again

I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re fine.

The pain is in their head.

 

But you shouldn't ignore it.

But she can't ignore it.

But the ignorance is theirs.

 

No visitors could come help 

Me remember how to speak

Silently wading through salty waters.

You're fine, she’s fine it’s fine.

 

Even with hip surgery

Open on both sides,

cysts doubled over

Doubled over ease.

 

But oh that’s right, 

they’re meaningless

all ovaries, they cry. 

 

100

Waking up to bright lights

this pain drenched in heaviness

not the same as before

not the same not same all shame

 

Eyes are failing me

So I must to listen,

to the sound that fills the room.

You’re fine, 

you’re fine. 

Honey, you’re fine.

 

9-5

We do not recognize the reflection

What happened to the winds?

Frozen blood that will not heat

blankets stack up on the water

reverse solutions gone too far

The numbers shedding digits

 

salty waters have dried up

Leaving reflected skies 

A place where someone once belonged

a person I once knew

 

Am I worthy of this space?

Only the body gets to choose 

on inspection of the wires

A circuit blew a fuse

 

A person who once was me

is standing in my place.

She’s not sure where she is.

confused confused confused.

 

I can’t eat, I can sleep

Some things must improve.

Effort effort effort effort 

engines must be fueled

 

Will they ever move again? 

doubt creeping over sorrow

Will the body dance again?

Will it remember how?

 

the question’s answer will someday change

But one thing is still true.

For resolution, the numbers remind us

It was never fine at all.